They're Starting To Line Up

It was only a matter of time until someone back in the States declared her love that they wanted a piece of Olympic God Michael Phelps.

And it seems that she didn't waste anytime to get a head start on her competition.

From DeadSpin and Yahoo! Entertainment:

When it comes to Michael Phelps, Lindsay Lohan is apparently willing to postpone this whole lesbian thing. While interviewing Michael's mom Debbie on Monday, Hobbit-like Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush received a text message from Lohan, which he proceeded to show Debbie while on the air. Mom's reaction was pretty great.

Lohan's message: "Tell him he's fucking amazing, and I want to meet him."

Debbie's reaction? "OK, Lindsay!!! -- Delete! Delete! Delete!"

Phelps better take as many condoms that will fit in his bag for the Olympic Village Center, he is going to need them back home.

Like I said before, I am hoping to come across a genie in the next week.

My first wish? To be Phelps' penis for a day. Second wish? For Michael to hit all the Hollywood starlets' hot spots all day long.

And my final wish would to start the next day with a Los Angeles ghetto dog in both of my hands.

Official Video of Phelps .01 Victory

This is the unseen video of second place finisher, Milorad Cavic, from the 100M Butterfly event.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

[Source: Funny or Die.]

The Weekly Lazy Entry

I am resurrecting it earlier than I wanted to...

I had an article due for the Register today so I didn't get to my regular entries, and before I knew it, all the other bloggers got to the stories that I wanted to cover. And all the posts that I thought would be unique are on the interweb.

Oh well, here is your lazy entry of the week:

• Don't trash talk at the Olympics if you can't back it up. Great job keeping a American stereotype alive. [Yahoo!Sports]
  
• College football fan completes a 32-year quest to see all 119 Division 1-A teams. I hate you, Steve. [SportsbyBrooks]
  
• Argentinean Women's soccer team joined Spanish athletes with the slant eye mockery of the Chinese athletes. China got the last laugh by beating them 2-0, racists. [Sky News]
  
• The International Table Tennis Federation wants the women competitors to show a little more skin to attract a bigger audience. Sure, we all want to see women that look like men in more revealing clothing ... yummy. [Yahoo!Sports]
  
• Mike Tyson has a brother in Tajikistan ... a boxer in the Olympics got disqualified for biting his opponent. Bonus points: Evander Holyfield was watching the fight. [SF Gate]
  
• The swimsuits of Spain's synchronized swimmers were banned from competition for embedding lights in them. They can still flash their nipples. [NBCOlympics.com]
  

A Round of Applause Please...

Natalie du Toit didn't want to just settle for the Paralympics Games. Despite having a prosthetic leg, the 24-year-old South African competed in the Beijing Olympics in the Marathon 10K swimming event.

The program was made available for the first time, meaning she had a better chance to qualify for the games after failing to compete in the pool events. Open water allowed her to reach her goal of getting to the Games.

She lost her leg in a motorbike accident in 2001, derailing her chances to become a star in the pool.

Unfortunately for du Toit, she did not achieve her goal of finishing in the top five ... she finished 16 out of the field of 25 (a minute and 22 seconds behind), quite a feat to still be very proud of.

Try to catch it on the "live" coverage tonight.

For Mr. Papa Phelps

We have seen her face all over the television screen for the last week ... no, not my darling Alicia Sacramone, but Michael Phelps' mother, Debbie. And although his father was in Greece for the 2004 Games, Fred Phelps was nowhere to be found in Beijing.

But that doesn't mean he was watching Michael's every move in the pool.

From the Baltimore Sun:

Our Sun colleague, Childs Walker, spoke with Fred Phelps this week to request an interview. Fred thought about it, and I think he probably handled the request as well as he could. He declined, saying he didn't want to take away from his son's accomplishments by delving into the family story.

"This is just about Michael," he said. "This is his glory, his time to shine, and I want him to get everything he wants."

Rest assured, while Phelps is in the Beijing pool, his father is paying close attention, cheering from back in Maryland.

"I'm just on pins and needles every time he hits the water," Fred Phelps said.

Here is to a great MerMan who helped produce an incredible athlete. Tom Hanks could have had a child like Michael if he had used his vagina penis on Daryl Hannah.

A Bolt Is Fast

Usain Bolt is crazy fast. If you didn't catch the Men's 100M event from Beijing I suggest you try to find it online or at YouTube because the dude is amazing. (I would post a video from YouTube, but it will no doubt be down within a couple of hours. Puto NBC.) He made his competition look so bad that he let up with 20 meters to go to celebrate his victory.

And what was with the second and third place runners were celebrating just as much as Bolt did? Actually, they probably celebrated more.

Anyway, an interesting rumor I can across today was posed by Darren Rovell at CNBC stating Bolt may have let up at the end of the race to make money later.

You see, the reason Usain Bolt didn't push through and finish in 9.60 seconds instead of 9.69 is -- as the rumor goes -- because he's smart. He didn't want to kill his gravy train.

So, the conspiracy theory goes, that Bolt knew before the race that he had to win the race and take the gold, but not push it too much, otherwise he'd kill his opportunity at future bonuses.

"I wasn't worried about the world record," Bolt said after the race. "I didn't come here to run a world record. I came here to win."

I couldn't find any number for his agent Norman Peart, so I couldn't follow up there, but I do know that Bolt was presented with a $1.8 million check by his sponsor Digicel when he broke the record in May.

Interesting take on the celebration ... I am buying into that.

The 21-year-old will be competing Tuesday (late Monday night/early Tuesday morning US time) in the 200M semifinal. Lets see if he can best Michael Johnson's World Record time of 19.32 in the event.

USA, USA, USA!

I Want That Job

The opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics got rave reviews after spectacular dances, fireworks, and singing were on display.

But shortly after people were buzzing about what went down behind the scenes leading up to, and at the ceremonies. Fake fireworks, benching a child songstress for having crooked teeth, downplaying the incident of a dancer getting paralyzed during rehearsal, and even late reporting of deaths during the building process.

One thing that worked out well for the Chinese Government's eyes was the selection of Chinese women for the opening festivities. If a woman wanted any shot to be selected she had to strip down naked and get measured up by body inspectors.

Thousands of young women from colleges and dance academies in Beijing competed for the chance to appear before a huge worldwide audience.

During the selection process, the women were required to strip so teachers judging whether they were qualified could measure their body proportions, The Beijing News said.

The women had to be at least 1.66 metres tall, have a pretty face and possess youthful energy, the report said.

What a gig ... Immediately after clicking the 'publish post' button I am going to begin writing a letter to my local Hooters franchise complaining of the quality of women. In the letter I am going to reference how the Chinese Government are much better at the selection process of women and it would only benefit the business to take on its methods.

Of course, I am patenting the process here in America, so Hooters has to hire me to do the inspections for all the Red, White, and Blue's locations. I remember you, Nicole. I remember how you treated me at the Hollywood Hooters, you will be the first to not meet the specifications.

More Than A Man, Less Than A God

I know I am a little late on a Michael Phelps entry after he went eight-for-eight in his quest for domination, but it is never too late to praise an unrivaled competitor that represented the United States in the Olympics.

He is the reason I expressed more interest than usual for the Games, and once he started he had me glued to the television. He may have been the fish, but he had me hooked from the beginning. And since he finished off the best Olympic run in the history of mankind, my enthusiasm for the Games has waned.

Phelps had his goal set up and he dedicated all of his time to achieve it. I look forward to one day telling my children about the Olympics in which Phelps tore the competition a new one. There is already a DVD for sale about his run, and I almost picked up my cell phone to buy it after seeing the commercial.

Admit it, you got chills when you watched Phelps during these Games. I watched numerous YouTube videos of his victories, not only to re-watch his excellence, but to hear the people in the background of the homemade videos and their joy in their screaming as they watched him fight for another gold.

I even got chills watching this:


Now I need to look into becoming Phelps' penis for a day. I swear, if he touches Alicia Sacramone he will never be able to get in a pool again.

Smashing Event Isn't What It Used To Be

As I mentioned last week, the Beijing Olympic athletes are provided with an unlimited amount of johnson covers.

I mean it is the right thing to do, especially when you have the most physically fit human beings all come together in one common area. Those individuals have trained their asses off, and once their events have ended there is no doubt that they want to let loose.

However, it seems as if the unofficial event of boinking is unfashionable at these Games.

Two-thirds of the 100,000 condoms available to competitors at the Beijing Games are sitting unused in the Olympic village’s medical clinic—in stark contrast to previous games.

Organizers ran out of prophylactics at the 2000 Sydney Games, which forced Athens organizers to nearly double the total available to 130,000 four years later.

“Athletes should know about the condoms—it’s a tradition of the Olympic Games,” said Vhao Wyanli, assistant director at the medical clinic inside the Olympic village. “It’s nothing new.”

The 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic Village have access to the free condoms as part of a campaign on HIV prevention and anti-discrimination.

Of course the condoms were going to be untouched by the Redeem Team, especially this cat.

I guess I understand the athletes reasoning about concentrating on the Games instead of worrying about getting some booty. But damn, with all the fine, hot, bangin' women there, how could you not?

Alicia Sacramone better be saving herself for me.

This Is Just Mean

But funny as hell. Aside from Alicia Sacramone being super hot, more evidence has been discovered as to why she fell in the women's group event.


I love you Alicia. I hope one day you realize that I am not stalking you, just looking out for your best interest.

Another Olympic Hot Mama

Naked! Not only do the Olympics bring out individuals athletic abilities, but the dirty laundry comes out as well. I wish the Olympics came every year!

Leaked photos of a member of the Swedish archery team, Sara Boberg, have hit the interweb. Unfortunately for our eyes, she is not at this year's Games.

You can find the photos at WWTDD.com, because it wouldn't be right for me to host them.

Pervert.

This One's For You Gengis Khan

And for First to Third's favorite Mongolian, Mr. Dorjpalam, also known as "Rags"....

Mongolia has finally tasted gold at the Olympics after Tuvshinbayar Naidan won the 100-kilogram class of judo competition on Thursday.

His victory sent thousands of people into a main square in Ulaanbaatar to celebrate. Politicians spoke. Fireworks exploded. People sang the national anthem.

The long-awaited Olympic gold was a top story Friday to Montsame, Mongolia's national news agency.

"Mongolians are celebrating this remarkable event throughout the country with much happiness," the agency said.

I hope Naidan is not married, because that dude is getting laid like crazy once he gets back home.

Here is to you, Rags ... cheers.

Cornfed Award

In honor of the ladies that are getting all the attention, and to the suggestion of First to Third's best buddy Ramo, Crystl Bustos is the one lady you don't want to mess with not named Alicia Sacramone.

The 5-foot-8 native of Canyon Country, Calif. is part of the US Softball team whom is seeking its fourth consecutive gold medal in the Games. She has two home runs so far. Unfortunately for the US team, it will be the last Olympic competition for the athletes, with the committee deciding that softball will no longer be part of the games following this summer's events.

So far, the American squad is 2-0 in play and had no-hit its competition until falling behind 0-1 to Canada before play was suspended due to weather. Play will continue later Friday (China time).

I saw Bustos play against CSUF as part of the team's Beijing tour prior to the Olympics. She did not due much in the game besides intimidate me while I sat in the press box.

David Ortiz and her should make super babies. That or my buddy Devin, "that fawking broad looks like she could fawking eat me. Oh man, I don't know LJ, I have low standards but I don't know if even I can stoop that low."

Roger Federer Is Slipping

James Blake slayed the ex-dragon of tennis Roger Federer in the quarterfinals of singles tennis event Olympics on Thursday night. It continued a trend of Federer as of late, unable to break from a yearlong slump. Surprisingly, RogFed hasn't won an Olympic medal in the singles event.

Blake, in his first Olympics at the age of 28, is the only American player to get past the first round of the singles matches.


In other Beijing news, an earlier state media report states that Chinese gymnast He Kexin's real age is 13.

Immediately after the women's group gymnastics event ended my cousin and I were discussing the beauty of Alicia Sacramone, when he suggested that the Chinese "women" were actually 12 years old.

In its report Nov. 3, Xinhua identified He as one of "10 big new stars" who made a splash at China's Cities Games. It gave her age as 13 and reported that she beat Yang Yilin on the uneven bars at those games. In the final, "this little girl" pulled off a difficult release move on the bars known as the Li Na, named for another Chinese gymnast, Xinhua said in the report, which appeared on one of its Web sites, www.hb.xinhuanet.com

The Associated Press found the Xinhua report on the site Thursday morning and saved a copy of the page. Later that afternoon, the Web site was still working but the page was no longer accessible. Sports editors at the state-run news agency would not comment for publication.

If the age reported by Xinhua was correct, that would have meant He was too young to be on the Chinese team that beat the United States on Wednesday and clinched China's first women's team Olympic gold in gymnastics. She is also a favorite for gold in Monday's uneven bars final.

Her birthdate was listed as Jan. 1, 1992 in Olympic reports. So clever of the Chinese, giving her a date of birth on the first day of 1992, making her exactly 16 years old.

I say Alicia beats those girls asses.

Ze Germans Are Mad At Me

Immediately after I boasted that Ms. Franco was the second hottest olympian I came across four German olympiads who posed for Playboy and have moved a leg up on the "hottest women" of the Olympics.
The not-safe-for-work pictures can be found at this German Playboy site.

The Spoiler translated the information on the women:

Petra Niemann is competing in her third Olympiad, and sailing is her game. “I’ve been working hard with my psychologist,” she told Playboy, as if to suggest this had something to do with sport or being naked.

Kayaker Nicole Reinhardt is one of Germany’s best hopes for gold in Beijing, and is grateful that her sport is about technique, so the “dickere und kräftigere” (”butch”) ladies have nothing on her svelte frame.

Romy Tarangul, just 20-years-old, has sadly been eliminated from the Judo competition already. Tsk.

Katharina Scholz is a field hockey starlet, and also a WAG of ex-national hockey captain Oliver Hentschel. She isn’t the first German from her discipline to pose in the buff for the popular magazine - the hilariously-named Fanny Rinne also did so prior to the Athens Olympiad.

And the best pictures of the ladies can be found at lessclothes.com.

We once hosted a couple of hopeful olympic German soccer players at my old house. One was a goalkeeper who could beat the crap out of me. She took a liking to our swimming pool, especially our diving board. She jumped, jumped, then pow! The diving board broke, following her into the water.

The two were drinkers too, they could outdrink my Pops ... something I didn't think was possible.

---

Thank you for proving me wrong my German beauties ... I am thankful for your appreciation of nakedness.

Who Wants A Bronze?

When it comes to the Olympics it is a great accomplishment to stand on the podium at an event finale, isn't it? To be considered as one of the top three competitors in the world in an event is something to be proud of.

Apparently not for Ara Abrahamian. The Swedish wrestler, appalled at his third place finish, decided to throw a hissy fit during the medal ceremony.

Abrahamian threw down his 84kg greco-roman bronze in disgust after his shot at gold was ended by a decision denounced by the Swedish coach as "politics".
Abrahamian took the medal from around his neck during the medal ceremony, stepped from the podium and dropped it in the middle of the mat before storming off.

Stay classy, Ara. Thousands of wrestlers would be proud to be able to stand on the podium. That guy is going to get wasted for the next couple of days.

UPDATE: The baby got stripped of the bronze medal, and no one will be awarded the third-place wrestler in his place. Waaaah.

[Source: Telegraph.co.uk]

Second Hottest Olympian

There is no way I can disrespect my future baby's mama, Alicia Sacramone, so I am appointing the title of second hottest olympian to Paraguay's Leryn Franco. You can watch her compete in the javelin throw competition which begins on Aug. 19, and make sure you catch her that day because she probably won't get far.

She finished 42nd in the event in Athens. When not playing with long poles, Franco models and competes in pageants. She was runner-up in the 2006 Ms. Paraguay competition.

Weights Are Heavy

My sister asked me to go to the gym with her yesterday, to which I replied: "no thanks, the Angels game is about to start and they don't serve beer at the gym."

Now I have a new reason not to go, "I like to keep my arms intact."

She Should Have Punched The Chinese

US women's gymnast Alicia Sacramone is quickly becoming my new favorite person in the Olympics and on planet Earth.

Sure, she blew it when the pressure was on, but this girl could knock out all the baby Chinese gymnasts all by herself. And kudos to her for doing it to a douchebag, AND she's a southpaw!

I'm in love.
*Updated* With gluteus maximus goodness.

Team USA Needs This Broad

Video is NSFW, as it shows a streaker. Girl has some skills.

The Men's US Soccer team was eliminated from the Olympics after losing to Nigeria 2-1. Luckily for the US men, soccer is not popular in the states and their lives will be spared.