They're Starting To Line Up

It was only a matter of time until someone back in the States declared her love that they wanted a piece of Olympic God Michael Phelps.

And it seems that she didn't waste anytime to get a head start on her competition.

From DeadSpin and Yahoo! Entertainment:

When it comes to Michael Phelps, Lindsay Lohan is apparently willing to postpone this whole lesbian thing. While interviewing Michael's mom Debbie on Monday, Hobbit-like Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush received a text message from Lohan, which he proceeded to show Debbie while on the air. Mom's reaction was pretty great.

Lohan's message: "Tell him he's fucking amazing, and I want to meet him."

Debbie's reaction? "OK, Lindsay!!! -- Delete! Delete! Delete!"

Phelps better take as many condoms that will fit in his bag for the Olympic Village Center, he is going to need them back home.

Like I said before, I am hoping to come across a genie in the next week.

My first wish? To be Phelps' penis for a day. Second wish? For Michael to hit all the Hollywood starlets' hot spots all day long.

And my final wish would to start the next day with a Los Angeles ghetto dog in both of my hands.

Smashing Event Isn't What It Used To Be

As I mentioned last week, the Beijing Olympic athletes are provided with an unlimited amount of johnson covers.

I mean it is the right thing to do, especially when you have the most physically fit human beings all come together in one common area. Those individuals have trained their asses off, and once their events have ended there is no doubt that they want to let loose.

However, it seems as if the unofficial event of boinking is unfashionable at these Games.

Two-thirds of the 100,000 condoms available to competitors at the Beijing Games are sitting unused in the Olympic village’s medical clinic—in stark contrast to previous games.

Organizers ran out of prophylactics at the 2000 Sydney Games, which forced Athens organizers to nearly double the total available to 130,000 four years later.

“Athletes should know about the condoms—it’s a tradition of the Olympic Games,” said Vhao Wyanli, assistant director at the medical clinic inside the Olympic village. “It’s nothing new.”

The 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic Village have access to the free condoms as part of a campaign on HIV prevention and anti-discrimination.

Of course the condoms were going to be untouched by the Redeem Team, especially this cat.

I guess I understand the athletes reasoning about concentrating on the Games instead of worrying about getting some booty. But damn, with all the fine, hot, bangin' women there, how could you not?

Alicia Sacramone better be saving herself for me.

Olympics - Women's Gymnastics

One of the most highly-watched event in the Olympics for male audiences, from ages 11 all the way to super pervert 50, is women's gymnastics.

The US women's squad was expected to fend off the Chinese team for the gold medal in the event. Unfortunately, the American ladies choked their lead away and watched the home team receive the gold medals.

As soon as I started watching the "live coverage" (more on that to come) of the event I knew Team USA was going to blow it. I always keep my eye out for the hottest gymnast on the team to see which one is going to blow it for USA. And as soon as I saw Alicia Sacramone's pretty face and continuous smile I knew it: "you're gonna blow it sweetheart."

The hot ones always do in women's gymnastics.

The Americans performed ahead of the Chinese in the final rotation, the floor exercise. After team captain Alicia Sacramone landed her second pass flat on her back, the gold medal was gone. Sacramone knew it, crouching on the steps by the floor, her head buried in her hands, disbelief etched across her face.

Hers wasn’t the only mistake. Shawn Johnson—the reigning all-around and floor world champion—stepped out of bounds on floor. So did Nastia Liukin.

Just look Sacramone, she is too pretty to have that killer instinct.

Oh well, at least she can get loose with unlimited free condoms! Damn, I wish I had a ticket to Beijing just to console her and we'd be doing it safely!

Now to NBC's whole "live coverage" nonsense. Who the hell does Bob Costas and NBC think they are kidding? They do realize it is 2008 and the real "live" results are a click away on the interweb? I hate that they keep going to clips of Michael Phelps and saying "he is 50 minutes from attempting for another gold," when in fact he already won two golds in the span of the telecast. I can't sit around and watch the taped versions so I just hit the Internet and find out the results early to ruin it for everybody else. People go apeshit when you ruin taped footage of sporting events.

My favorite was when a couple of my friends taped a Lakers-Nuggets game in the playoffs because they were too lazy to get ready in time to watch the contest. So I did what any good friend would do, pulled out my cellphone and constantly updated them as to what was happening in real time. I pretended like I stopped once the game got into the fourth quarter and began calling out for shooters to take the jumper. I was God for five minutes, and I liked.

Anyway, Alicia told me to dump my girlfriend because she can't do this.