They're Starting To Line Up

It was only a matter of time until someone back in the States declared her love that they wanted a piece of Olympic God Michael Phelps.

And it seems that she didn't waste anytime to get a head start on her competition.

From DeadSpin and Yahoo! Entertainment:

When it comes to Michael Phelps, Lindsay Lohan is apparently willing to postpone this whole lesbian thing. While interviewing Michael's mom Debbie on Monday, Hobbit-like Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush received a text message from Lohan, which he proceeded to show Debbie while on the air. Mom's reaction was pretty great.

Lohan's message: "Tell him he's fucking amazing, and I want to meet him."

Debbie's reaction? "OK, Lindsay!!! -- Delete! Delete! Delete!"

Phelps better take as many condoms that will fit in his bag for the Olympic Village Center, he is going to need them back home.

Like I said before, I am hoping to come across a genie in the next week.

My first wish? To be Phelps' penis for a day. Second wish? For Michael to hit all the Hollywood starlets' hot spots all day long.

And my final wish would to start the next day with a Los Angeles ghetto dog in both of my hands.

Official Video of Phelps .01 Victory

This is the unseen video of second place finisher, Milorad Cavic, from the 100M Butterfly event.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

[Source: Funny or Die.]

For Mr. Papa Phelps

We have seen her face all over the television screen for the last week ... no, not my darling Alicia Sacramone, but Michael Phelps' mother, Debbie. And although his father was in Greece for the 2004 Games, Fred Phelps was nowhere to be found in Beijing.

But that doesn't mean he was watching Michael's every move in the pool.

From the Baltimore Sun:

Our Sun colleague, Childs Walker, spoke with Fred Phelps this week to request an interview. Fred thought about it, and I think he probably handled the request as well as he could. He declined, saying he didn't want to take away from his son's accomplishments by delving into the family story.

"This is just about Michael," he said. "This is his glory, his time to shine, and I want him to get everything he wants."

Rest assured, while Phelps is in the Beijing pool, his father is paying close attention, cheering from back in Maryland.

"I'm just on pins and needles every time he hits the water," Fred Phelps said.

Here is to a great MerMan who helped produce an incredible athlete. Tom Hanks could have had a child like Michael if he had used his vagina penis on Daryl Hannah.

More Than A Man, Less Than A God

I know I am a little late on a Michael Phelps entry after he went eight-for-eight in his quest for domination, but it is never too late to praise an unrivaled competitor that represented the United States in the Olympics.

He is the reason I expressed more interest than usual for the Games, and once he started he had me glued to the television. He may have been the fish, but he had me hooked from the beginning. And since he finished off the best Olympic run in the history of mankind, my enthusiasm for the Games has waned.

Phelps had his goal set up and he dedicated all of his time to achieve it. I look forward to one day telling my children about the Olympics in which Phelps tore the competition a new one. There is already a DVD for sale about his run, and I almost picked up my cell phone to buy it after seeing the commercial.

Admit it, you got chills when you watched Phelps during these Games. I watched numerous YouTube videos of his victories, not only to re-watch his excellence, but to hear the people in the background of the homemade videos and their joy in their screaming as they watched him fight for another gold.

I even got chills watching this:


Now I need to look into becoming Phelps' penis for a day. I swear, if he touches Alicia Sacramone he will never be able to get in a pool again.

Hanks Needs Superman

Yankees co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner has already declared that 2009 will be the year for the Pinstripes.

And even though he made the brilliant stupid prediction, he hasn't written off the Yankees current season.

"I'm not writing off this season," the team's co-chairman said Tuesday. "They're trying hard to win. There's only so much you can do. They're not supermen."

The Yankees are missing starting pitcher Chien-Ming Wang, who likely will miss the rest of the season because of a foot injury, and Joba Chamberlain, who hopes to return from right rotator cuff tendinitis. Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy have missed most of the season.

"I think it's very simple, we've been devastated by injuries. No team I've ever seen in baseball has been decimated like this. It would kill any team," Steinbrenner said. "Imagine the Red Sox without [Josh] Beckett and [Jon] Lester. Pitching is 70 percent of the game. Wang won 19 games two straight years. Chamberlain became the most dominating pitcher in baseball. You can't lose two guys like that."

Steinbrenner needs to ease up on his mouth movements. Chamberlain, the most dominating pitcher in baseball? He does know that Joba has not done a thing in baseball except prove he has a dead arm?

Brian Cashman is going to kill Hank.

Steinbrenner can find Superman in Beijing. 11 and counting, suck it, bitter Spitz!

Olympics Are Here And So Is Wang Zhi Zhi

The Olympics started off lukewarm until the U.S. men swimmers humiliated the French swimmers chokers in the pool.

It inspired me to stay up on Sunday night through Monday morning watching rowing, and now am totally consumed in everything Olympics.

Early this morning, two basketball medal hopefuls Spain and China needed overtime to decide their contest. Yao Ming fouled out (of course) and China choked away a 15-point lead in the 85-75 final. Pau Gasol and the Spaniards ruined the triumphant return of ex-Dallas Maverick Wang Zhi Zhi, who looked like the player he never was in the NBA. Wang carried China throughout, hitting jumpers en route to 15 points and even tying the score at 72 apiece to set up overtime.

Gasol, who had 29 points and eight boards, actually showed up during crunch time, and I am sure Kobe really enjoyed watching his Laker teammate come through in an important game. Spain's coach may have seen the NBA Finals because Pau was curiously on the bench with a couple minutes left in regulation, replaced by his younger brother Marc.

I guess all the Lakers needed was an overtime game in the Finals to get an aggressive Pau. Silly Spaniards, the American squad used four quarters to beat China by 31.

Here is to hoping that Wang can don(g) a Clippers jersey again.

And Michael Phelps is a beast in the pool going three-for-three in achieving gold so far. Phoebe Cates was the last reason I watched anything associated with a pool.

Oh, and the Chinese trapeze artists are crazy good at gymnastics ... beating the surprisingly-competitive third place American men squad.