For Mr. Papa Phelps

We have seen her face all over the television screen for the last week ... no, not my darling Alicia Sacramone, but Michael Phelps' mother, Debbie. And although his father was in Greece for the 2004 Games, Fred Phelps was nowhere to be found in Beijing.

But that doesn't mean he was watching Michael's every move in the pool.

From the Baltimore Sun:

Our Sun colleague, Childs Walker, spoke with Fred Phelps this week to request an interview. Fred thought about it, and I think he probably handled the request as well as he could. He declined, saying he didn't want to take away from his son's accomplishments by delving into the family story.

"This is just about Michael," he said. "This is his glory, his time to shine, and I want him to get everything he wants."

Rest assured, while Phelps is in the Beijing pool, his father is paying close attention, cheering from back in Maryland.

"I'm just on pins and needles every time he hits the water," Fred Phelps said.

Here is to a great MerMan who helped produce an incredible athlete. Tom Hanks could have had a child like Michael if he had used his vagina penis on Daryl Hannah.

More Than A Man, Less Than A God

I know I am a little late on a Michael Phelps entry after he went eight-for-eight in his quest for domination, but it is never too late to praise an unrivaled competitor that represented the United States in the Olympics.

He is the reason I expressed more interest than usual for the Games, and once he started he had me glued to the television. He may have been the fish, but he had me hooked from the beginning. And since he finished off the best Olympic run in the history of mankind, my enthusiasm for the Games has waned.

Phelps had his goal set up and he dedicated all of his time to achieve it. I look forward to one day telling my children about the Olympics in which Phelps tore the competition a new one. There is already a DVD for sale about his run, and I almost picked up my cell phone to buy it after seeing the commercial.

Admit it, you got chills when you watched Phelps during these Games. I watched numerous YouTube videos of his victories, not only to re-watch his excellence, but to hear the people in the background of the homemade videos and their joy in their screaming as they watched him fight for another gold.

I even got chills watching this:


Now I need to look into becoming Phelps' penis for a day. I swear, if he touches Alicia Sacramone he will never be able to get in a pool again.

Smashing Event Isn't What It Used To Be

As I mentioned last week, the Beijing Olympic athletes are provided with an unlimited amount of johnson covers.

I mean it is the right thing to do, especially when you have the most physically fit human beings all come together in one common area. Those individuals have trained their asses off, and once their events have ended there is no doubt that they want to let loose.

However, it seems as if the unofficial event of boinking is unfashionable at these Games.

Two-thirds of the 100,000 condoms available to competitors at the Beijing Games are sitting unused in the Olympic village’s medical clinic—in stark contrast to previous games.

Organizers ran out of prophylactics at the 2000 Sydney Games, which forced Athens organizers to nearly double the total available to 130,000 four years later.

“Athletes should know about the condoms—it’s a tradition of the Olympic Games,” said Vhao Wyanli, assistant director at the medical clinic inside the Olympic village. “It’s nothing new.”

The 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic Village have access to the free condoms as part of a campaign on HIV prevention and anti-discrimination.

Of course the condoms were going to be untouched by the Redeem Team, especially this cat.

I guess I understand the athletes reasoning about concentrating on the Games instead of worrying about getting some booty. But damn, with all the fine, hot, bangin' women there, how could you not?

Alicia Sacramone better be saving herself for me.

This Is Just Mean

But funny as hell. Aside from Alicia Sacramone being super hot, more evidence has been discovered as to why she fell in the women's group event.


I love you Alicia. I hope one day you realize that I am not stalking you, just looking out for your best interest.

Roger Federer Is Slipping

James Blake slayed the ex-dragon of tennis Roger Federer in the quarterfinals of singles tennis event Olympics on Thursday night. It continued a trend of Federer as of late, unable to break from a yearlong slump. Surprisingly, RogFed hasn't won an Olympic medal in the singles event.

Blake, in his first Olympics at the age of 28, is the only American player to get past the first round of the singles matches.


In other Beijing news, an earlier state media report states that Chinese gymnast He Kexin's real age is 13.

Immediately after the women's group gymnastics event ended my cousin and I were discussing the beauty of Alicia Sacramone, when he suggested that the Chinese "women" were actually 12 years old.

In its report Nov. 3, Xinhua identified He as one of "10 big new stars" who made a splash at China's Cities Games. It gave her age as 13 and reported that she beat Yang Yilin on the uneven bars at those games. In the final, "this little girl" pulled off a difficult release move on the bars known as the Li Na, named for another Chinese gymnast, Xinhua said in the report, which appeared on one of its Web sites, www.hb.xinhuanet.com

The Associated Press found the Xinhua report on the site Thursday morning and saved a copy of the page. Later that afternoon, the Web site was still working but the page was no longer accessible. Sports editors at the state-run news agency would not comment for publication.

If the age reported by Xinhua was correct, that would have meant He was too young to be on the Chinese team that beat the United States on Wednesday and clinched China's first women's team Olympic gold in gymnastics. She is also a favorite for gold in Monday's uneven bars final.

Her birthdate was listed as Jan. 1, 1992 in Olympic reports. So clever of the Chinese, giving her a date of birth on the first day of 1992, making her exactly 16 years old.

I say Alicia beats those girls asses.

She Should Have Punched The Chinese

US women's gymnast Alicia Sacramone is quickly becoming my new favorite person in the Olympics and on planet Earth.

Sure, she blew it when the pressure was on, but this girl could knock out all the baby Chinese gymnasts all by herself. And kudos to her for doing it to a douchebag, AND she's a southpaw!

I'm in love.
*Updated* With gluteus maximus goodness.

Olympics - Women's Gymnastics

One of the most highly-watched event in the Olympics for male audiences, from ages 11 all the way to super pervert 50, is women's gymnastics.

The US women's squad was expected to fend off the Chinese team for the gold medal in the event. Unfortunately, the American ladies choked their lead away and watched the home team receive the gold medals.

As soon as I started watching the "live coverage" (more on that to come) of the event I knew Team USA was going to blow it. I always keep my eye out for the hottest gymnast on the team to see which one is going to blow it for USA. And as soon as I saw Alicia Sacramone's pretty face and continuous smile I knew it: "you're gonna blow it sweetheart."

The hot ones always do in women's gymnastics.

The Americans performed ahead of the Chinese in the final rotation, the floor exercise. After team captain Alicia Sacramone landed her second pass flat on her back, the gold medal was gone. Sacramone knew it, crouching on the steps by the floor, her head buried in her hands, disbelief etched across her face.

Hers wasn’t the only mistake. Shawn Johnson—the reigning all-around and floor world champion—stepped out of bounds on floor. So did Nastia Liukin.

Just look Sacramone, she is too pretty to have that killer instinct.

Oh well, at least she can get loose with unlimited free condoms! Damn, I wish I had a ticket to Beijing just to console her and we'd be doing it safely!

Now to NBC's whole "live coverage" nonsense. Who the hell does Bob Costas and NBC think they are kidding? They do realize it is 2008 and the real "live" results are a click away on the interweb? I hate that they keep going to clips of Michael Phelps and saying "he is 50 minutes from attempting for another gold," when in fact he already won two golds in the span of the telecast. I can't sit around and watch the taped versions so I just hit the Internet and find out the results early to ruin it for everybody else. People go apeshit when you ruin taped footage of sporting events.

My favorite was when a couple of my friends taped a Lakers-Nuggets game in the playoffs because they were too lazy to get ready in time to watch the contest. So I did what any good friend would do, pulled out my cellphone and constantly updated them as to what was happening in real time. I pretended like I stopped once the game got into the fourth quarter and began calling out for shooters to take the jumper. I was God for five minutes, and I liked.

Anyway, Alicia told me to dump my girlfriend because she can't do this.